Friday, September 3

Spiritual Formation and Parenting

I ran across a quote while reading Adrian van Kaam's The Art of Existential Counseling, on the issue of raising children with ideals. I thought it would be particularly relevant for our discussion here. At the heart of spiritual formation is the question of what it might mean to raise a child for Christ. Van Kaam has some interesting thoughts: 

"For although family life and education should ideally be able to make people free, frequently the opposite happens. Instead of making the child or the pupil free, it enslaves him to the opinion of his parents, teachers, or clergymen. This does not mean, of course, that these opinions are necessarily wrong. They may be excellent. However, the crux of the matter is that such excellent ideas should be owned by the pupil himself. The teacher should be an honest witness for the good, the true, and the beautiful, Likewise, he should create the ideal condition in which the child himself can awaken to these values; and the most ideal condition for this awakening of spontaneous insight and estimation is not to force such ideals upon him. In that case we prepare him only for hypocrisy or an uncreative mechanized life or even neurosis" (69-70).

This obviously stays in the abastract. Any ideas on how this might look in relationship? How do we shepherd, parent and disciple in ways that is not merey passing on information but helping the other to come to know Jesus? 

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Comments

Mike Austin's picture
Wed, 10/07/2009 - 12:54 — Mike Austin

spiritually formative parenting

Sorry to be a little late to the table on this one, but this is a topic near and dear to me as a parent and in my work. Much of this has to do with honesty and transparency in relationship with our children, and with our own embodiment of the values and life of Christ in our very lives. For example, if we extol frugality but live consumeristically, then our kids see that and this can undermine our helping them to know Jesus. I've recently published a book, Wise Stewards: Philosophical Foundations of Christian Parenting, which deals with these issues--sorry for the promotion, but I think it might have some helpful stuff, and I've no plans to get rich off of the book anyway;).
I think it also means sharing our doubts with our kids, and creating an environment of trust and truth in which they can then share their doubts with us in dialogue.

Mon, 09/14/2009 - 22:30 — AJMorrow

I think modeling is the basis

I think modeling is the basis for teaching children about Christ in such a way as to guide them towards a relationship with Him that is personal and intimate and not merely one of head knowledge. If you tell children to pray, tell them to read the Bible, tell them to go to church, and give lots of reasons as to why they should, but they never witness you praying or studying or fellowshipping with other Christians, then they may do those things because they "think they should" but not have a real, vital relationship with Jesus.

It's not much different from "living your witness" for the non-Christians around you. If Christ is shining through you and your life it a witness for Him, it will intrigue people and spark curiosity in them as to why you're so different. Children will be drawn the same way.

Parenting methods can also, I believe, influence how children view God and a relationship with Him. Parents are a child's first model of who God is. Parents have a responsiblity to model Christ to their children just as they would model Him to non-Christians. We can't talk about God's grace towards us and expect children to grasp it if we don't extend grace to them. We can't teach them "Do unto others as you'd have done unto you" and then hit them when they make a bad choice. We can't expect them to want a relationship with God if we tell them that God commands parents to punish their children. If we want our chlidren to have a thriving relationship with God, then we need to make sure that our parenting is modeled after the way God parents us: firm boundaries, clear expectations, natural consequences, and grace. God never punishes his children. He guides them, disciplines them, teaches them, allows them to experience the consequences of their actions, and reaches in, when he sees the need, to shield them from the consequences they deserve. Otherwise, we run the risk of painting a skewed picture of God and jeopardizing our witness to them.

Matthew R Green's picture
Mon, 09/14/2009 - 10:22 — Matthew R Green

The Heart of Spiritual formation

I'm just surprised at your statement, "At the heart of spiritual formation is the question of what it might mean to raise a child for Christ."  Where did that come from?  I would suggest that the heart of spiritual formation has nothing to do with raising children.  The manner in which children are raised ought to be affected by one's spiritual formation, and the raising of a child should include the formation of his or her spiritual life, but these are aspects of it rather than the heart of it.  Are we miscommunicating somewhere?

Kyle Strobel's picture
Mon, 09/14/2009 - 11:12 — Kyle Strobel

Raising Children

Matthew, yeah, that was something of a throw away line. I wasn't expecting it too be read too tightly. I was trying to emphasize something like, "Raising children is central to the kinds of concerns that the spiritual formation conversation seeks to discuss."