It has taken me a long time to name a nagging frustration I've had in my journey of spiritual formation over this past decade, and I am only now, a year after graduation from the Institute for Spiritual Formation, able to fumble around with an initial conclusion.

Following Paul's adage in Ephesians 4 that much of the spiritual life can be imagined metaphorically as an 'undressing of the old man' (taking off a set of clothes that has become dirtied) and a 're-dressing of the new man' (putting on a fresh pair of clothes still warm from the dryer), much of my training throughout ISF and in any other avenues I have explored within the realm of spiritual formation has almost exclusively focused on the necessity of 'putting off' or a deconstructive/purgative approach to exposing the false self to the loving, transformative presence of God in us.  Having served as a spiritual director now for three years, the vast majority of my training was in helping Christ-followers become aware of their false self in relation to who they truly are in Christ, moving into awareness (and then hopefully transformative growth) with the Holy Spirit.

The problem I have is with that word hopefully.

I am increasingly aware of just how little I know about how to open my heart in a consistent, truthful way that leads to noticeable growth in the new man that has been birthed in me at the point of salvation by Christ so many years ago (17 for me, wow!). In the years following my initial receptivity to the person of Christ dwelling in me, I took on program and technique, steps and methods that did produce initial growth in my life with God. However, once I had achieved a certain level of maturity, that regimented pattern of growth hit a long plateau that only the Spirit's tilling work through a deep season of pain, brokenness, and deconstruction could transform.

I find myself yearning these days for a return to a more regimented program of growth, yet with the freedom that accompanies a growing acceptance of all of my iniquity, brokenness, and quirks.  I desire to change, yet have returned to a place where I am unsure how.  I want to life as a saint, a holy one set apart for God, participating in the restoration of all things in God's world.

I just don't know how to any more. Anyone with me?